My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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