Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
