I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
