i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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