I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I could fuck to npr.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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