I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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