Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
