The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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