good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i out mim tonsoeep
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