I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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