you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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