I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
