it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
