look no pants
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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