Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
