if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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