when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
