dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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