It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
