I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
