I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
