I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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