I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
