I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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