good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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