Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
