she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My ass is underappreciated
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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