I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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