God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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