I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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