they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
