Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
