K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
