im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
