Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
