I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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