i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
