she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
