Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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