Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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