If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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