I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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