If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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