when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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