dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
