just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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