Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
