Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
