If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
