He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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