maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
