Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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