The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
