I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
