glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
