someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Need sex. Gaining weight.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
