her vagina looked like bernie madoff
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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