I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm at about main and main street
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
